Tag: statue genocide

bookmark_borderDavid Trone believes that people like me shouldn’t be allowed to exist

Posted on by Marissa

Horrific, agonizing pain. My limbs feel like lead, my stomach feels sick, my lungs feel like they’re filled with rocks. I am crushed beneath an avalanche of grief, sadness, and anger. The agony is like a knife that stabs me in the heart. The entire world is dark, horrifying, disgusting. It feels as if my soul is being eviscerated, as if I will never experience happiness again. 

This is something I’ve experienced hundreds of times over the past four years. 

In this most recent instance, this pain was directly caused by Rep. David Trone, who despicably sponsored a bill * – known as HR 7474, the Robert E. Lee Monument Removal Act – which would turn the Antietam (Sharpsburg) Battlefield into yet another thing whose entire purpose is to send the message that people like me shouldn’t be allowed to exist. Yet another place in which I am not welcome, yet another area of society in which I cannot participate, yet another part of our physical world that would be altered in order to ensure that I cannot feel represented or included. 

Despicably, Trone said of his act of vicious cruelty and aggression: “I thank my colleagues for joining me in this effort to ensure Antietam honors our nation’s victory over the Confederacy rather than memorializes historical figures who fought to break up the Union and restrict fundamental human rights.”

As if forcing people to remain part of the same country against their will somehow doesn’t restrict fundamental human rights. As if inflicting on another human the type of pain that I described in the first paragraph of this blog post somehow doesn’t restrict fundamental human rights. As if decreeing that only one side in a war deserves to be honored, only one perspective acknowledged, only one story told, only one viewpoint reflected, somehow doesn’t restrict fundamental human rights. 

To “ensure Antietam honors our nation’s victory over the Confederacy” completely defeats the purpose of even preserving the battlefield as a historical site, both because the entire concept of a battle requires that there be two opposing sides, and also because there is no benefit in something existing when the very attribute that made it beautiful, distinctive, and remarkable has been destroyed. 

David Trone would like Antietam to be transformed from a historical site honoring a battle and the soldiers who fought there, into yet another monument to authoritarianism, compliance, and mindless conformity, into yet another piece of propaganda designed to send the message that any person who differs from the mainstream, from the norm, from the majority in any way, has no right to exist. 

As if sending this message somehow doesn’t restrict fundamental human rights.

David Trone’s decision to introduce this bill is an attack on me as a human being. It is an attack on me because I am different, because I do not fit in, because I see the world differently from most people, because I have different interests and passions and values and ways of thinking than the majority. Because I am different, the Robert E. Lee Monument represents me. It makes me feel included. It makes me feel that people like me are allowed to exist. By attempting to remove it, David Trone is attempting to turn the Antietam Battlefield into yet another instrument in society’s war against people like me. Yet another thing that used to make me feel represented and included, now turned into a cudgel to beat me with. Yet another tool for society to use to hammer home the brutal and intolerant message that I do not deserve to exist because I am different. 

Tell me again, why does America need another monument to authoritarianism, compliance, and mindless conformity? Why does America need yet another memorial honoring the same bland, mundane, and meaningless values that people are already bombarded with every day, in every facet of life? 

Tell me again, what is the point of the Antietam battlefield even existing, if its existence does nothing other than to stab my heart, punch me in the gut, stomp on my face, and inflict horrific and agonizing pain?

Pardon my French, but fuck David Trone. He doesn’t care a whit about fundamental human rights. If he did, he would campaign passionately against vaccine mandates, gun control, the Durham-Humphrey Amendment, and the use of full-body scanners at airports, to give just a few examples. Each of these policies restrict fundamental human rights vastly more severely than anyone from the Confederacy ever did.

How dare David Trone pontificate about fundamental human rights while simultaneously going out of his way to violate them?

How dare he go about his life as if nothing is wrong, while his actions inflict horrific and agonizing pain on other people?

It is mentally exhausting and demoralizing that acts of vicious cruelty and aggression, such as this one perpetrated by David Trone and his 6 co-sponsors, continue to happen. I am tired, I am angry, and I am exhausted. I don’t deserve for this pain to be inflicted on me, and David Trone has no right to inflict it. Despicably, he pontificates about “fundamental human rights” while actively violating mine. 

I learned from a quick Google search that David Trone has a wife and several children. How would he like it if his wife and children were beaten, strangled, dismembered, burned, and had their limbs sawed off and their bodies cut to pieces as he was forced to watch? That might sound sadistic, outlandish, excessive, ridiculous… but it has been my reality for the past four years. Perhaps if this happened, David Trone would experience a tiny fraction of the pain that I’ve experienced. Maybe then he’d have a shred of empathy for the people he’s harmed. Maybe then he’d work towards enacting policies that would compensate me for the pain I’ve suffered, rather than actively inflicting even more of it.

* as well as 6 other members of Congress who co-sponsored this bill

bookmark_borderMy thoughts on Virginia bills HB812 and SB517: Hurting other people is the opposite of moral righteousness

Posted on by Marissa

For the past four years, our society has carried out action after action with no purpose other than to hurt me. And not just to hurt me, but to hurt me as badly as possible. There is nothing positive about any of these actions, no reason for them, no way in which they make the world better, no way in which any person benefits from them, other than people who value, for its own sake, the suffering of those who are different from them. Of course, the people who take these actions do not know me personally, and therefore their intention is not to hurt me specifically, by name. But their intention is to hurt people like me: people who are different from them and different from the majority.

A self-righteous post about Black History Month that I recently saw on social media pompously characterized such actions as “changes that benefit us all.” But nothing could be further from the truth. These changes do not benefit me; they harm me. They have caused, and continue to cause, pain that is so excruciating and so unbearable that it cannot be put into words. These changes have involved the destruction of everything that makes my life worth living. To characterize the destruction of what makes my life worth living as “benefitting us all” is to characterize me as somehow not a person.

Virginia bills HB812 and SB517, filed recently, are yet additional examples of this demoralizing trend. 

It is incomprehensible to me that anyone would think that it is a good thing to inflict as much pain as possible on other people. But clearly, our society as a whole thinks exactly this, because individuals, groups, organizations, companies, and governments at every level continue to do this, and continue to be praised for doing so. For reasons that are utterly incomprehensible, people who have already inflicted excruciating and unbearable pain on me, and who advocate for even more pain to be inflicted, hold the moral high ground in the eyes of society. 

What does it say about me, that hurting me as badly as possible is considered the measure of moral righteousness in our society? 

Do I really deserve a life of repeated and endless torment because I dress differently from most people, talk differently, move differently, do my hair differently, think differently, perceive the world differently, experience emotions differently, have different interests?

Do I really deserve to be morally condemned because I liked to organize and rank my toys, as opposed to engaging in role-playing and imaginative play? Because I wasn’t able to learn how to ride a bike, or hit a baseball with a bat, or keep a conversation going? Because I enjoy writing and drawing and reading and making paper dolls, as opposed to socializing?

For the “crime” of loving historical figures as opposed to the human beings that I know in real life, do I really deserve the death penalty?

It seems that our society has decided precisely that.

For as long as I can remember, I have been criticized by others. I’ve been criticized for the way that I talk, the words that I use, my tone of voice, the way that I stand, the way that I sit, the way that I play, the clothes that I wear, the shoes that I wear, the way I wear my socks, the hairstyles that I wear, the way I wash my hair, the way I wash my face, the way I put sunscreen on, the fact that I don’t socialize enough, the fact that I told a friend I had plans when she invited me to her pool, the fact that I brought a stuffed animal with me to a school assembly… the list is endless. 

Every time that I am criticized, it hurts. It inflicts pain on me. Growing up, every time that I was criticized, I hid the fact that it hurt. I smiled, nodded, apologized when I hadn’t done anything wrong, and pretended that everything was fine when it wasn’t. Other people had all of the power, and I had none, so I felt that I had no choice. 

But I didn’t deserve to be hurt. I didn’t deserve to be criticized. And I don’t deserve to be hurt or criticized now, either. My body and mind work differently from other people’s, and there is nothing wrong with that. I am just as good as other people, my wishes and preferences and happiness just as important, my perspective just as valid. 

I don’t fit in with other people. I am a rebel, a non-conformist, an underdog. That’s why I identify with the Confederacy. That’s why historical figures are so important to me. I am the Confederacy, and the Confederacy is me. 

When someone hurts the Confederacy, that person hurts me. Every time that a statue is vandalized, torn down, or removed. Every time that a historical artifact is destroyed or damaged. Every time that a holiday is canceled. Every time that a building, street, or cemetery is renamed. Every time that a license plate featuring a historical figure is recalled, or a historical organization stripped of its tax-exempt status, as the despicable bills known as HB812 and SB517 would do. Every time that a person even suggests doing any of these things, or introduces a piece of legislation that would do any of these things, or insinuates that doing any of these things is even remotely good.

All of these things hurt me. All of these things inflict harm and pain.

Upon hearing about Virginia bills HB812 and SB517, my stomach feels sick. My chest feels tight. My limbs feel heavy, as if they are made of lead. My very soul feels as if it’s being eviscerated. My entire being is torn apart, my mind inundated with a mixture of horror, grief, and rage so excruciating that it cannot be put into words. I’ve experienced this pain again and again over the past four years, every time that someone hurts the Confederacy and therefore me. I’ve experienced this pain again and again as a direct result of other people’s actions.

For reasons that I cannot comprehend, our society considers it morally good for people to cause this suffering.

I’m exhausted and my heart hurts. Why do people think that it is good to do this to another human being? I’m tired of having to explain myself, tired of being called a racist, tired of being called ignorant, disgusting, gross, privileged, entitled. I’m tired of being ridiculed, my words and my perspective and my very existence being treated as a joke.

Most of all, I’m tired of society treating the people who are hurting me as holding the moral high ground, and me as the one deserving of condemnation. 

It is the ultimate in moral bankruptcy to view hurting another person as morally righteous, while viewing the person being hurt as lacking in character and in need of change, education, and correction. 

People who have families, intimacy, friendships, belonging, and social status have decided to take actions, again and again, that serve no purpose other than to beat up on those who have none of those things. Unable to relate to, or be accepted by, other human beings, I’ve treasured historical figures and statues as the only things that make my life worth living. Only to be forced to watch as people who have no idea what it’s like to struggle in the way that I have, systematically obliterate these historical figures from the world, bit by excruciating bit, in the most vicious and brutal manner imaginable, all while portraying themselves as “oppressed” and their victims as “privileged.” All while portraying themselves as fighting for justice, for freedom, for equality. All while claiming that their despicable actions are being done in the name of diversity, equity, and inclusion. And all while being looked upon as morally righteous in the eyes of society.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I am the one who is truly disadvantaged, and the destroyers of everything that makes life worth living are the ones who are truly privileged, benefitting from unearned advantages that I don’t have access to. 

Hurting people who have done nothing wrong is the opposite of justice, the opposite of freedom, the opposite of equality. 

Hurting people who are different from the majority, merely by virtue of being different from the majority, is the opposite of diversity, the opposite of equity, and the opposite of inclusion.

Inflicting harm and pain, to the maximum extent that you possibly can, is the opposite of moral righteousness. 

All of this is so obvious that it shouldn’t need to be stated, but apparently it does. 

Our society has given the moral high ground to cowardly, sadistic bullies merely because they have the numbers, the influence, and the power. Their cruelty is treated as understandable at best, and noble at worst, when in reality it is none of these things. Society has decided to condemn me to a life of torment for the “crime” of being different.

People mindlessly repeat hackneyed platitudes such as the claim that I am “on the wrong side of history” or that “the arc of history bends towards justice.” As if how old or new an idea is, or how many people support it, has anything to do with whether it is right or wrong. (News flash: it doesn’t.)

Now I am 34, and I have been hurt far more than I ever deserved. I have done more than a lifetime’s worth of pretending that it was fine for other people to hurt me, and that people’s unacceptable words and actions were acceptable. I am not going to do this anymore.

Every time someone hurts the Confederacy, thereby hurting me, I am going to speak out.

I am going to state, forcefully and unequivocally, that their actions are unacceptable, even if I am the only person stating it.

I am going to speak the objective moral truth, even if I am the only one speaking it.

I am going to stand up for myself and for the Confederacy, even if I stand alone. That is the purpose of this blog.

bookmark_borderNo, Tolstoy was not saying that making statues is wrong

Posted on by Marissa

Take a look at this great post, with a very true and meaningful quote, and then the obnoxious comment below it:

Um, what? He was talking about you? Really?

First of all, we are not the majority. People like those at Monuments Across Dixie and myself are the minority, as evidenced by the fact that our statues and monuments have been subjected to an almost entirely unopposed and unchallenged campaign of brutal and violent destruction across the entire country.

Second of all, Tolstoy was talking about people who design and commission statues? Really? Tolstoy was saying that making statues is wrong, even though the majority shares in it? Somehow, I doubt that very much.

What an infuriating and idiotic comment. Continuing to see people expressing sentiments such as these is exasperating and mentally exhausting.

Good for Monuments Across Dixie for posting this Tolstoy quote. Contrary to what Richard Binns claims, this quote is much more applicable to the brave minority fighting to defend what makes life worth living (Confederate statues), than it is to the cowardly majority who are cruelly destroying it.

bookmark_borderThe statues weren’t hurting anyone, and neither was I

Posted on by Marissa

Everyone else wore jeans and t-shirts. I wore jumpers, plaid skirts, cardigans, Mary Janes.

Everyone else got their hair highlighted and wore makeup. I wore hair ribbons and pigtails.

Everyone else spoke in the latest slang in order to sound “cool.” I used big words and spoke formally.

Everyone else IM’d with their friends after school. I went online to read about historical figures. I made drawings and paper dolls of them.

Everyone played the same computer games, listened to the same music, watched the same TV shows and movies. Everyone except for me.

I collected dolls, toy soldiers, Beanie Babies, and model horses. Everyone called me babyish and weird.

I picked my nose, and the other kids whispered to each other about how gross I was. I picked at my face and scalp instead, but the other kids still whispered to each other about me, and how weird I was. So instead I went through my hair and took out the strands that had become detached, tidying and cleaning up my hair, but the other kids commented on how gross and weird that was as well. So I forced myself to sit, uncomfortable and bored out of my mind, with nothing to occupy my hands.

I was not hurting anyone. I was not hurting anyone by dressing the way that looked good to me, moving and organizing my body in the way that felt good to me, spending my time and energy pursuing the things that I was interested in. I was not hurting anyone by existing in the world as my authentic self, in a way that was different from other people.

The statues are the same as me. They dressed differently from people today, looked differently, spoke differently, thought differently.

Therefore, the statues weren’t hurting anyone either.

The statues symbolized people like me, people who are different. The statues symbolized the idea that people like me have a right to be included in society. When people tore down the statues, that is what they attacked.

Seeing those statues standing, in public parks and city squares, told me that I had the right to exist, even though I am different from others. Because those statues were different from other people, and they had the right to exist.

When people tore down the statues, they took that away from me.

When mayors and city councils ordered the statues removed, they were literally redesigning public spaces in order to communicate that people like me do not have the right to exist there, in order to ensure that people like me would feel excluded.

This is not being inclusive, or ensuring that everyone feels welcome. It is the exact opposite.

When people tore down the statues, they did so because they believe that a person who dresses differently, looks differently, moves differently, speaks differently, and thinks differently should not be allowed to exist.

When people tore down the statues, they did so because they believe, through some perverse logic that is incomprehensible to me, that their right to be surrounded entirely and exclusively by people who dress like them, look like them, move like them, speak like them, and think like them, outweighs my right to exist.

This is not diversity. It is the exact opposite.

This is why Confederate statues and Christopher Columbus statues are so important.

This is why the issue of statues is personal to me.

This is why I will never forget what people did to the statues, why I will never move on, why I will never stop writing and posting about the statues, why I will never focus on other, more important issues.

Because there are no issues more important than this.

I wasn’t hurting anyone by existing, and neither were the statues.

bookmark_borderHow I feel about Black History Month

Posted on by Marissa

I recently came across a social media post about Black History Month, which said: “Celebrating Black history does not take away from those of other backgrounds.”

While I technically agree with this statement, the problem is that removing statues, monuments, memorials, and holidays of other backgrounds does take away from those of other backgrounds. And unfortunately, removing statues, monuments, memorials, and holidays of other backgrounds is exactly what has been happening en masse in our country since 2020. Plus, it tends to be the people who are most adamant about celebrating Black History Month who are also the most strongly in favor of removing statues, monuments, memorials, and holidays of other backgrounds.

Personally, Black History Month isn’t exactly my favorite thing. I am more interested in ancient and medieval history, because people in those long-ago time periods were so different from people today, as well as the history of people and groups who are overlooked, misunderstood, and looked down upon today. Black history is so emphasized, so prominent, so widely celebrated, and so popular in today’s society that due to my contrarian nature, it isn’t super interesting to me. 

With that being said, I don’t have anything against Black History Month, per se. I would have no problem with Black History Month being celebrated if Confederate Heritage Month, Confederate Memorial Day, Lee-Jackson Day, Italian Heritage Month, and Columbus Day were celebrated equally prominently, and if all of the Confederate statues and Columbus statues that have ever existed, continued to exist unharmed and unthreatened. But unfortunately, this is far from the case.

It’s not fair to celebrate the history and heritage one group, while the history and heritage of other groups are being deliberately erased, obliterated, and destroyed. It’s not fair to honor and venerate one group, while other groups are attacked as immoral and shameful merely because they are different.

So while I don’t have a problem with Black History Month itself, I have a problem with the inconsistency of celebrating and honoring some groups, while attacking and destroying others. It is unfair to celebrate Black History Month unless Italian history, European history in general, and Confederate history, to give just a few examples, are celebrated just as widely and prominently. That is why I will not be celebrating Black History Month.

bookmark_border“No celebrating while a genocide is happening”

Posted on by Marissa

“No celebrating while a genocide is happening.”

I saw this slogan on a poster for a pro-Palestine march that took place in Boston on December 31, the message being that it is inappropriate to celebrate New Year’s Eve when something as horrible as genocide is going on in the world.

This is a message that really resonates with me… not when applied to the Palestine / Israel / Gaza situation but rather when applied to the statue genocide that has taken place over the past three and a half years.

For me, the actions that have taken place in recent years regarding statues are so horrific that they have made my life not worth living. They have made the world a fundamentally bad place, a place not worth living in. 

The actions that have been carried out against statues are so awful that I don’t understand how anyone could possibly celebrate anything in a world where these actions have happened (and continue to happen). The pain caused by these actions is so severe that my entire being is consumed by anger, grief, and rage; the injustice so profound that nothing matters other than avenging the statues and punishing the perpetrators.

In such circumstances, celebrating anything feels inappropriate, foolish, lacking in empathy, thoughtless.

So many times, when people talk or post about their pets, babies, vacations, sports teams, gardens, dishes they’ve cooked, et cetera, et cetera, I’ve thought to myself: “How can you care about that when everything that makes life worth living has been destroyed?”

At every holiday, whether it’s Christmas, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, St. Patrick’s Day, or New Year’s, I think to myself: “How can people celebrate that when everything that makes life worth living has been destroyed?”

In a strange way, I am comforted that other people share these feelings. I just wish they felt this way about the same subject matter as I do.

bookmark_borderRemoving statues is the opposite of being welcoming and inclusive

Posted on by Marissa

I was sitting and drinking coffee when I learned something that made my brain explode. Just a second earlier, I had been talking with my parents about a mini snowman that someone had made on top of a mailbox, which I had spotted during my walk and found really cute and funny. But now their innocuous questions – Do you know who made it? Did you post the picture on Instagram? – made my brain physically hurt. Filled to capacity by the horrific news, it simply could not accept any more input.

I covered my ears. I could not process, let alone answer, the simple questions. The sounds of silverware and plates clattering at nearby tables were like bombs exploding in my cranium. A group of people walked behind me; to my tortured brain their chatter sounded like shrill screaming.

“What was this horrible news?” you might be wondering.

Good question.

The answer: the fact that the National Park Service reportedly planned to remove a statue of William Penn from Independence National Historic Park in Philadelphia, the historic site dedicated to the Declaration of Independence. The obliteration of Penn as a historical figure was planned in order, in the NPS’s words, to make the park more “welcoming” and “inclusive” (source here).

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I like historical figures. I like historical figures because I have been bullied and excluded all my life. I have never fit in with the people around me, and I have never been able to relate to them. I only relate to historical figures. By removing historical figures from public spaces, our society is ensuring that I cannot feel welcome or included in those spaces. This makes those spaces less, not more, welcoming and inclusive.

All of the people who wear the latest fashions, speak using the latest slang, listen to the latest music, watch the latest shows, and spend their time texting and face timing with their friends… they don’t need to feel more welcomed or included. They’ve felt welcome and included their entire lives, because they are the majority. It’s people like me, who wore plaid dresses and skirts, did their hair in pigtails, collected dolls and toy soldiers, listened to show tunes and Disney music, and spent their time making paper dolls and reading about historical figures… it’s people like me who have faced a lifetime of exclusion because of how we dress, how we talk, what we like, and how we spend our time. It’s people like me who need, and deserve, to feel more welcomed and included.

But instead, our society has decided to make people like me feel less welcomed and included. Removing statues, removing the names of historical figures from buildings and streets, replacing Columbus Day with Indigenous Peoples’ Day… these actions create a less, not more, welcoming and inclusive world. After spending a lifetime feeling excluded at school, in extracurricular activities, online, and in social groups, I have now, for the past three and a half years, been forced to witness the public spaces of our country being reconfigured using cranes and work crews to ensure that I feel excluded there, too.

Historical figures are me. Historical figures are the only people I can relate to. By eliminating them from public spaces, our society has also eliminated any possibility for me to exist in those spaces without being filled with grief, anger, and pain. Society has actively transformed public space to ensure that people like me do not feel welcomed or included there.

So, no. Removing a statue of William Penn does not make a park more welcoming or inclusive. It does the opposite.

And then there is the obvious fact that removing something is, by its very nature, the opposite of being inclusive. Think about it: removing something from a space necessarily means that fewer things are now being included in that space. Removing a statue necessarily means that fewer historical figures are now being depicted, fewer stories being told, fewer perspectives being represented. That’s the antithesis of being inclusive.

As a commenter on the post linked above astutely wrote, “Not inclusive of white people… If they want ‘inclusive’ history why not just add it?”

Exactly.

I began this blog post by describing my experience in the coffee shop in order to demonstrate that the National Park Service, by coming up with the plan to remove the William Penn statue, actively inflicted harm on me as an autistic person. The NPS’s actions directly caused me emotional distress and directly caused my brain to explode in agonizing pain. Yet another way in which the NPS’s decision is the opposite of being welcoming and inclusive.

There is, however, a nugget of good news in this story. According to more recent reports (see comments section of source linked above) the NPS has changed their mind and now does not intend to do anything to the statue of William Penn. Fingers crossed that this is correct.

bookmark_borderJoy amidst darkness

Posted on by Marissa

This holiday season has been one of contradictions. Darkness and light, hope and despair, joy and pain.

A few days before Christmas, the bullies whose goal is to eliminate from the world everything that makes life worth living struck again, inflicting horrific and agonizing pain. Like so many other places and things in the United States, Arlington National Cemetery has been transformed into something sickening, disgusting, and horrific. It has become yet another symbol of me being rejected, excluded, and hurt, yet another reminder of the atrocities that have taken place, yet another trigger of grief and rage so strong that I feel sick to my stomach at the mere mention of its name. Arlington has been transformed by bigotry and intolerance, from a cemetery honoring the dead into a shrine to sameness, compliance, and conformity. Where a cemetery is supposed to be, there is now nothing but a hideous scar in the world. Arlington is yet another place that has been physically transformed, using cranes and work crews at taxpayer expense, to ensure that people like me do not feel welcome there. To ensure that autistic people, rebels, people who think differently, people who are different from the norm in any way, will feel rejected and excluded. The fact that anyone would think that this is a good thing to do is incomprehensible and unimaginable.

And just a couple of days after Christmas, on December 27, the bullies inflicted horrific and agonizing pain yet again, this time in Jacksonville, Florida. At the orders of the bully who was elected mayor, Donna Deegan, a monument honoring the women of the Confederacy was obliterated from a city park, a park which, by the way, had been known as Confederate Park, but of course Deegan ordered that name to be obliterated too. Because God forbid that anyone who is different from the majority in any way be allowed to exist. God forbid that anyone unique or different be honored in any way. Only people like Donna Deegan matter, apparently, and no one else. No one else’s feelings or perspectives matter. Only hers.

Just like the kids who bullied me when I was growing up, the kids who wore makeup, highlighted their hair, spoke using the latest slang, dressed in the latest fashions, listened to whatever music was popular at the time, watched whatever TV shows were considered “cool,” and IM’d with their friends after school instead of reading about and drawing historical figures. They are the only people who matter, apparently, and no one else. No one cares about my feelings or my perspective. No one cares about my right to exist. They only care about themselves and the people who look like them, talk like them, act like them, and think like them. In their eyes, no one else matters.

The atrocity, which cost $187,000, was funded by a grant from an organization called the Jessie Ball duPont Fund (source here). Which means that yes, people actually donated money to inflict horrific and agonizing pain on other people. People actually donated money for the purpose of destroying everything that makes life worth living. The fact that someone would donate money to such a cause is incomprehensible, unimaginable, and utterly sickening.

Statues and monuments were the only thing in our society that actually reflected my perspective and my values, that actually made me feel represented and included. So of course, they had to go. Of course, they had to be destroyed. Of course, it was deemed unacceptable for me to feel even the tiniest bit represented or included. Apparently, it wasn’t enough for the makeup-wearing, IM-ing, mindless conformists to control the media, the economy, pop culture, fashion, technology, etiquette, and social norms. They also had to take away the one thing that actually reflected my values and not theirs, the one thing that was beautiful to me, the one thing that made my life worth living. They had to turn statues and monuments into yet another thing representing their own values, yet another thing to make me feel condemned, rejected, and excluded, yet another cudgel to beat me with.

Society decided that because I am different from the majority, I deserve the death penalty.

That is what the Biden administration’s Department of Defense did at Arlington National Cemetery.

And that is what Donna Deegan did in Jacksonville, Florida.

Anyway, I digress.

Suffice it to say that each time a new atrocity occurs, I am assaulted by pain so horrific and agonizing that it cannot be described in words. Each new atrocity brings with it the pain of all the previous ones, and I am buried beneath the avalanche of atrocities. I am crushed by the weight of the pile, as if I will never be able to dig my way out. I feel as if I’ve been swept away by a tidal wave, lost in a vast sea of atrocities, directionless, as if I will never find my way back to shore.

It is difficult to see any purpose in celebrating the holidays given the vast and ever-growing mountain of atrocities. Putting up a Christmas tree, looking at beautiful lights, playing Christmas music, baking, buying festive foods, all these activities seem insensitive, superficial, tone-deaf. When the tidal wave of atrocities attacks, I hate the entire society. Because this society, as a whole, allowed the atrocities to happen. This society has decided that the destruction of everything that makes my life worth living is somehow an acceptable outcome, that there is no need to stop it, to reverse it, to condemn it, or to do anything about it. And because every person, every organization, and every company are part of the society, every possible way of celebrating the holidays is to some extent “contaminated.” When the pain is at its strongest, and my mood at its darkest, it seems that to celebrate the holidays would be to condone the atrocities.

Yet I decided to try, anyway.

Not because I condone the atrocities. Not because I wish to “move on,” or take my mind off of what happened, or dedicate my time and energy to something else, or find a new thing to be interested in.

But rather because I believe that I am a good person, and that I deserve to have joy in my life. I believe that the historical figures would want me to feel joy. Without joy, it would be impossible to summon the will to keep fighting. Just as the Confederate soldiers found ways to celebrate Christmas as best as they could, despite being exhausted and starving, missing their homes, shivering in their threadbare uniforms, suffering from illnesses and injuries, and traumatized from horrific battles, I celebrated as best as I could.

Of course, I wish to eventually heal from the horrific and agonizing pain that has been inflicted. (No person wants to experience horrific and agonizing pain.) And I believe that over the past couple of years, I have made slow and halting progress in doing so. But the healing does not consist of “moving on,” and it certainly does not consist of forgiving the perpetrators. Rather, healing consists of centering my life around the historical figures, doing whatever I can to honor them and keep them alive, incorporating them into everything that I do, and finding joy in them.

Over the course of the holiday season, my soul vacillated between these two states: being engulfed by horror and despair on the one hand, and experiencing rays of hope, joy, and even excitement on the other.

I tried to spend my holiday season doing things that I truly wanted, as opposed to things that I felt obligated to do. Some of these activities didn’t have anything to do with historical figures, but most did. Historical figures are the thing that I love more than anything else in the world, after all, and so it makes sense that most of the things that bring me joy would include them. So, after this long and rambling introduction, here are a few of the things that I did to celebrate during the holiday season:

Buying and setting up a Christmas tree and decorating it with ornaments honoring some of my favorite historical figures.






Putting up Christmas lights on the front of my house…

And in the back of my house, where Stonewall Jackson lives.

Sending out Christmas cards

Buying some festive foods from Trader Joe’s

Visiting the Christmas tree at the pond near my house…

… and the World War I memorial, which was decorated for Christmas.

Checking out the Christmas lights at Assembly Row, the area where I work…

… and going to an ice sculpture walk, also at Assembly Row.

Looking at Christmas decorations in Boston, paying a visit to Christopher Columbus, and giving him a little gift.

Eating Chinese food

Visiting a house with amazing Christmas lights

Making cinnamon bun pancakes

Making photo calendars to give as Christmas gifts (including, of course, a couple of my favorite statues)

Asking for toy soldiers as Christmas gifts…

… and receiving several other gifts as well, such as Confederate coffee, a Christopher Columbus teacup, and a necklace with a locket containing pictures of historical figures inside!

Finally, I spent Christmas night sitting on my couch, writing while watching a football game. The lights of my Christmas tree, with historical figure ornaments hanging from its branches, twinkled softly in the background, and the calming pine scent filled the living room. Although sports are something that can go either way for me regarding being “contaminated” by the statue genocide, I really enjoyed watching the game, particularly the interviews and the festive montages that played during it. Spending Christmas night with only my historical figures for company might strike some people as sad or pathetic, but for me, it brought a sense of peace and Christmas spirit that was exactly what I needed.

Here’s to more joy, more peace, and more historical figures in 2024.

bookmark_borderResolve and pain

Posted on by Marissa

My chest is tight, my arms and legs feel heavy, and there’s a lump in my throat, although my tears are somehow locked up inside of me on this cold and rainy morning. I am angered and heartbroken, as I have been so many times over the last three and a half years. As always, I struggle to find the words to express why I feel the way that I do, and why exactly the things that people have done are so horrible and have had such a profound negative impact on me.

Angela Douglas, the executive director of the Jefferson School African American Cultural Center, is the cause of the latest attack of agony, but she is just one among many. Again and again, more times than I can count or my brain can comprehend, people who think and act similarly to her have caused similar agony attacks, filling the past three and a half years with relentless, unbearable, indescribable pain.
I have no choice but to go on. I know that the actions of Douglas and those like her are horrible, and I know that I am right to be so upset, even if words are inadequate for the task of providing a full explanation. I believe that I am a good person and that what I am doing is important. I know that I am morally right and that Douglas is morally wrong.

But I am in so much pain.

And there is, seemingly, nothing that I can do about it. I am only one person. I do not have the power to stop people like Angela Douglas from committing their hideous, sadistic, sickening actions. Our society has decided that actions like these are acceptable, and that there are more important things to condemn, more important things to fight against. I disagree with this stance as strongly as it is possible for a human being to disagree with anything, but I have no power to convince society to adopt my perspective. All that I can do is to continue being a good person, continue doing what is right, continue doing what I can to stand up for the historical figures.
I don’t believe in hacking historical figures’ bodies to pieces, sawing their heads off, cutting their faces off, and burning them in a furnace.

I believe in honoring them, celebrating them, protecting them, and keeping them alive.
And that is what I will try to do, with the humble amount of resources and power that are available to me.

If other people don’t agree with me, if other people don’t find this important, then that is a negative reflection on them, not on me.

bookmark_borderA poem (of sorts)

Posted on by Marissa

Crickets chirp quietly

And leaves waft down from the trees.

Branches cast shadows

Through the moonlight that bathes the yard.

The serene oasis

Stands in sharp contrast

With the atrocity that took place earlier

Somewhere far away

Yet somehow close at the same time.

My statue waits for me,

His bronze skin glinting in the soft light.

Dead leaves crunch under my feet

As I go to tell him what has befallen his comrade

But there is no need;

He already knows.

“I don’t have to tell you, do I, Stonewall? You can feel it. You know what happened. Your heart is sad, and mine is, too. We will grieve, and mourn, together. You are the one thing that makes me feel just a tiny bit better, that makes this pain bearable. Things like this, are why it is so important that you exist. Things like this are why I decided to bring you into the world.”

“Don’t worry, they can’t hurt you here. I own this land, and I will protect you. I will keep you safe.”

“I’ll try to get some sleep tonight, and I hope that you can, too. See you in the morning.”

Excruciating pain

Serves also as a reminder

Of the path that I’ve chosen.

This land is mine,

A world that bigotry, intolerance, and cruelty cannot touch

In which a little statue lives

Safe, protected, beautiful, magnificent

Who wouldn’t have been born otherwise.

10/26/23