Month: May 2024

bookmark_borderUnjustified and baseless belligerence

Posted on by Marissa

I recently saw a social media post that said: 

“I hate when people say autism doesn’t have a look. Cause for many of us, we look autistic… Stop trying to erase visibly autistic people.”

The post listed things such as flapping hands, stomping feet, screaming loudly, and vocal stimming as attributes that make a person allegedly look autistic.

There is a problem with this logic. The things listed in the post, although characteristic of autism, don’t have anything to do with a person’s look. The things listed are behaviors and mannerisms, not attributes of a person’s appearance. 

A person’s look refers to attributes such as hair color, hair length, hair texture, eye color, skin color, height, build, etc. A person’s behaviors and mannerisms, such as flapping hands, stomping feet, screaming loudly, and vocal stimming, are not part of their look, per se. 

So yes, it’s absolutely true that there are behaviors and mannerisms associated with autistic people. Autism, by definition, is a collection of traits, and some of these traits have external manifestations. It’s also true that autistic people vary in their ability and willingness to hide (“mask”) their traits by refraining from the associated behaviors and mannerisms.

But this is an entirely separate thing from a person’s “look.” 

Some people act, and behave, autistically. Some people have behaviors and mannerisms that make them obviously autistic. But that’s not the same thing as looking autistic. Autistic people can have any hair color, hair length, hair texture, eye color, skin color, height, or build. Therefore, contrary to what is claimed in the post, autism does not, in fact, have a look. 

Honestly, posts like this make me angry and exemplify what is wrong with the online autistic community. This post is problematic not just because it is completely false and based on an incorrect understanding of what words mean, but also because of its belligerence and nastiness.

The person who made this post is literally expressing hate towards people who use the word “look” correctly by claiming, correctly, that autism does not have a look. The person who made this post is accusing others of “trying to erase visibly autistic people,” when all we are doing is using words correctly.

Using words correctly, as opposed to incorrectly, does not constitute erasing anyone’s existence, and it does not make a person deserving of hate. The belligerence and nastiness expressed in this post have no justification, because they are aimed at people who have done nothing wrong whatsoever. 

Posts like this are not harmless, not merely illogical and wrong. They inflict pain on innocent people. Even though this post was not addressed to me specifically, it hurts to be subjected to hate and false accusations merely for using words correctly. It hurts that the autistic community is filled with so much unjustified and baseless belligerence, directed towards people who have done nothing to deserve it.

bookmark_borderA small reversal in the trend of intolerance: Confederate school names restored!

Posted on by Marissa

A sliver of good news that gives me hope in these dark times: two schools in Virginia have restored Confederate school names!

Stonewall Jackson High School and Ashby Lee Elementary School (named for Turner Ashby and Robert E. Lee) had been renamed to Mountain View High School and Honey Run Elementary School during the nationwide war against people who are different that began following the death of George Floyd. (Waging a war against people who are different in response to a cop killing a person who happens to be black is about as logical as it sounds.) But now, in a triumph for true inclusion, diversity, and human decency, the school board has voted to change the names back!

This is fantastic news. This is a victory for all people who are different from the norm, like me, because Confederate place names, holidays, statues, and monuments are symbols of inclusion and acceptance of people who are different. The restored school names send a message of inclusion and acceptance of students who are different. They make a statement that it is okay to be different. They send the message that students who have trouble fitting in – whether they are nerdy, dress differently than the other kids, like different music, watch different TV shows, have different interests, or are on the autism spectrum – deserve to be included and accepted for who they are.

Taking the Confederate school names away was a cruel and mean-spirited decision amidst nearly four years of ubiquitous and soul-crushing cruelty and meanness. It is a tiny iota of justice, and brings a tiny glimmer of hope, that the names have been changed back.

Sources: Monuments Across Dixie and Confederate States of America Facebook posts

bookmark_borderThoughts on the article, “Avoiding the Last Straw in Cases of Bullying”

Posted on by Marissa

I came across this article, titled “Avoiding the ‘Last Straw’ in Cases of Bullying,” by Joni E Johnston Psy.D. in Psychology Today. The article explains how professionals can intervene with victims of bullying to prevent the victims from becoming bullies themselves. 

What struck me about this article was that it places the responsibility for preventing bullying on the victims, rather than on the original bullies. The article outlines the interviewing, questioning, and interventions that bullying victims should be subjected to, while failing to advocate that bullies be subjected to any type of consequences for their behavior. 

“Let’s pretend that a school counselor is concerned that a bullied teen might become violent to get revenge,” the article hypothesizes. “They call in a threat assessment professional to conduct an interview.” The article discusses the types of questions that should be asked during the interview and encourages adults to “intervene early,” to develop “an appropriate intervention plan,” to provide “comprehensive, compassionate care,” and to “guide them toward healthier, nonviolent coping mechanisms.” Johnston also characterizes bullying victims who are angry about their bullying as having an “aggressive behavior problem.”

But bullying victims do not deserve to be grilled by a threat assessment professional. Bullying victims do not need intervention. They do not need “care.” They do not need to be guided towards different coping mechanisms. Being angry that one has been bullied is not a medical problem, it is not a psychological problem, and it is not a behavior problem. It is completely justified. By targeting victims for intervention, Johnston is treating victims as if they are the ones who have done something wrong. But victims haven’t done anything wrong; bullies have. It is the bullies, not their victims, who have an aggressive behavior problem. And it is the bullies, not their victims, who should be subjected to intervention.

The article discusses the personal characteristics of bullying victims that allegedly make them more likely to turn into bullies. For example, victims who “are socially awkward,” and who lack “protective factors, such as abstract thinking abilities, empathy, and self-regulation skills.” But it is wrong of Johnston to scrutinize victims’ personal characteristics at all, because this sends the message that victims are somehow to blame for being bullied, due to a lack of positive traits and skills. In reality, the only person to blame for bullying is the bully. It is the bully, not the victim, who should have their personal characteristics subjected to scrutiny.

The article lists potential events that could trigger a bullying victim to turn into a bully, including:

  • A new, severe bullying incident that feels like the “last straw”
  • Seeing their bullies receive acclaim or reward, which feels profoundly unjust
  • Feeling publicly humiliated by their bullies
  • Perceiving that adults have failed to protect them or take the bullying seriously

It is interesting that by listing the potential triggers above, Johnston is actually admitting that the things that cause a victim to turn into a bully are entirely within the control of the adults in the situation. This further supports the idea that the burden of change shouldn’t be placed on the bullying victim. If adults actually handled bullying correctly – namely by punishing the bully – then no one would have to worry about bullying victims turning into bullies.

Going down the list of triggering incidents: if adults actually punish bullies significantly, including by removing them permanently from the environment if necessary, then bullies will not be in a position to perpetrate any additional bullying incidents or to publicly humiliate their victims. If institutions don’t bestow acclaim or rewards on bullies, then victims won’t have to see their bullies receive acclaim or rewards. And if adults protect victims and take bullying seriously, then victims will not perceive that adults have failed to do these things. 

In other words… instead of providing “care” to victims to help them cope with seeing their bullies receive acclaim and rewards, maybe we should, I don’t know, not give acclaim or rewards to bullies. Maybe the reason why seeing a bully receive acclaim and rewards “feels profoundly unjust” is because it is profoundly unjust. 

In conclusion, the approach recommended in this article makes victims the target of intervention and places the onus of change on them, when in reality, it is the bullies themselves who should be subjected to interventions such as interviews with threat assessment professionals and scrutiny of their personal characteristics. Victims of bullying don’t need care, they don’t need monitoring, and they don’t need to be guided toward better coping mechanisms. They need, and deserve, justice. Instead of subjecting victims to various interventions in an effort to help them cope better with being bullied, our society needs to actually punish the bullies. 

Returning to the title of the article, the way to avoid the “last straw” in cases of bullying is to avoid committing it, and to prevent bullies from doing so. This means for our society to punish bullies severely, to unanimously condemn them, to refrain from giving them awards of any sort, and to prevent them from committing any more bullying incidents by any means necessary, including by removing them entirely from the environment.

One final note: I noticed that throughout the article, the author equates seeking revenge with becoming a bully. A few examples: 

  • “some seek revenge and become bullies themselves”
  • “the victim’s internal world differentiates those who seek revenge from those who don’t”
  • “being frequently bullied ups the odds for a desire for revenge”
  • “it’s the latter type—this angry rumination—that fuels the desire for retaliation”
  • “a bullied teen might become violent to get revenge”

But seeking revenge and becoming a bully are not even remotely the same thing. For a victim to seek revenge on their bully does not make them a bully; it makes them someone who defends themselves and stands up for themselves. Taking revenge on a bully is completely justified, because bullies deserve punishment. For a victim to turn into a bully, on the other hand, involves harming innocent people who have done nothing wrong, which is unjustified. Harming the original bully (justified) and harming innocent people (unjustified) are two completely different things. 

Just as Johnston ignores the distinction between justified and unjustified violence by equating revenge with becoming a bully, she ignores the fact that bullies deserve to be the targets of intervention while victims do not. To lump all violence together goes along with the mentality of placing the burden on the victim to fix the situation. Johnston clearly values preventing violence and making schools safer, which are worthy goals, but she is ignoring something even more important: the entire concept of fairness versus unfairness, justice versus injustice, right versus wrong. 

Perhaps this article isn’t about preventing victims from turning into bullies, after all. Perhaps the entire article is actually about preventing victims from taking revenge on their bullies, something that Johnston inaccurately characterizes as victims turning into bullies. If this is the case, then not only do I object to the idea of placing the burden for change on victims, but I object to the entire goal. For victims to take revenge on their bullies isn’t something that should be prevented at all, because revenge is exactly what bullies deserve.

bookmark_borderA meltdown caused by blogging time being cut short…

Posted on by Marissa

Today, I feel horrible. I woke up to find little pieces of paper – the remnants of the envelopes and advertising that had come in the mail – still scattered all over the floor. My throat is horse and my head achy from screaming, again and again, at the top of my lungs. My hand is bloody and swollen from punching the granite kitchen counter. My feet and ankles are sore from stomping again and again on the floor. I am concerned that the foundation of my house might be damaged from all the stomping, and that my hands might become permanently damaged from these repeated injuries, if they are not already. This is a particularly disturbing possibility given that my job centers on picking up, lifting, and handling objects with my hands. I feel guilty and demoralized. I’m angry – angry at others, angry at myself, angry that instances like these keep happening. My body feels heavy and tired. My chest is tight, my arms and legs leaden, my stomach twisted in knots.

Yesterday, I had a meltdown because my blogging time was abruptly cut short.

I was at my parents’ house, and the plan was to watch Survivor, as well as the Bruins game. Survivor was on from 8:00 to 9:30, and the Bruins game started at 7:30. So, in addition to being able to watch a half hour of the game before Survivor, we would also be able to watch the end of the game, because it would almost certainly still be going when Survivor ended. Then, after the game ended, I would go home. My parents and I all agreed to this plan, and I was looking forward to the night of TV watching.

Personally, I never just sit and watch TV. It doesn’t work for me to sit and passively watch without anything to occupy my hands. Plus, I live with a constant backlog of topics that I want to blog about, making it foolish not to take advantage of every potential chunk of blogging time that I get. So whenever I am watching a TV show or sports game, I blog at the same time. Usually, it works well.

The thing about blogging is that it is highly momentum-dependent. It’s not the type of task that you can do a little bit of whenever you have some time. Blogging works much better when you have large, uninterrupted chunks of time, because it is mentally laborious and requires focus and concentration. Usually, once I sit down to work on a blog post, it takes me some time to get momentum going, to get into a state of flow. Once I am into this flow state, I am very productive. The writing flows effortlessly. I can keep writing and writing and not get tired at all. Because I work full time and own a home, I don’t get a lot of opportunities to get into this flow state. And when my momentum is interrupted, it’s difficult to get it back.

Yesterday, when Survivor ended and my dad changed the channel to the game, the third period was just beginning, and the Bruins were losing 3-1. My dad asked me what I wanted to do. I was surprised, because I thought everyone had agreed to the plan of watching the rest of the Bruins game after Survivor. Why would he be asking me what we should do, when the answer to that question had already been decided upon? *

Plus, for the preceding two hours, my blogging hadn’t been going smoothly. I was getting bogged down. What I thought would be a quick, easy blog post turned out to be more complicated and difficult than I had anticipated. But as Survivor was ending, I was finally making great progress. I was finally getting into a flow state, and finally starting to feel good about how the writing was going. My dad’s suggestion to leave came at the worst possible time.

My dad indicated that he was okay with staying for the rest of the game, unless the Panthers scored another goal, making the score even more lopsided. Naturally, about 30 seconds later, the Panthers scored. And so my blogging time was abruptly cut short. The momentum that had just started to get going, came to a screeching halt. **

There was something about having my blogging time cut short, without warning, that made my brain explode. It’s not just the fact that I had to leave at 9:30 as opposed to approximately 10:00. It’s the fact that I was expecting to have until 10:00, only to find out, without advance notice, hat I only had until 9:30. It’s the fact that I was counting on having until 10:00, only to find out at 9:30 that I was expected to leave immediately. I hadn’t gotten my belongings together or put my socks or shoes on, and I had been planning on getting another helping of ice cream and another helping of water. I wasn’t prepared to leave, because that’s not what I was planning on. I thought that I had an additional half hour of time left. It was another instance of the type that I’ve written about before – an instance in which things did not unfold according to the picture I had in my head. ***

And so I exploded.

I simultaneously knew that my anger was irrational, and lacked any ability whatsoever to stop it.

The rational part of my mind was fully aware that it did not make sense to be that angry at something so relatively unimportant. The rational part of my mind was even aware that if I hadn’t gotten so angry, I would have been able to open up my computer upon arriving home, resume working on the blog post, and possibly finish it, all while watching the end of the Bruins game on my own TV. In other words, if I hadn’t gotten so angry, I would have been able to avoid the very outcome (the premature end to my blogging time) that I was so angry about.

But none of this knowledge had any power to make me any less angry. Rage coursed like molten lava through my veins, overtaking my mind and body and soul. The anger was so strong that nothing could stand in its way. It took over my entire consciousness. Logic was feeble and powerless in the face of the overwhelming, uncontrollable fury. Like an erupting volcano, or an exploding bomb, once the anger started, there was no stopping it.

So I was completely consumed by anger, while simultaneously knowing that it was irrational. I feel guilty, because my dad didn’t really do anything wrong. One day my parents will be gone, and I don’t want incidents like this to be the main thing that I remember from my time with them. I feel frustrated and demoralized, because I’ve tried so hard to prevent these types of incidents from happening, yet they still keep happening. I feel conflicted, because I truly believe that autism is a gift and a superpower. I’m proud that I have it, I don’t consider it a disorder, and I don’t wish to be neurotypical. But these beliefs seem to be incompatible with the fact that my autism causes me to feel and behave in ways that I know – at the exact same time that I am feeling in behaving in these ways – are irrational.

I know that my ability, and need, to hyperfocus are part of my autism. I know that it is part of my autism to have problems with transitioning from one activity to another, and with unexpected changes to my plans. It is due to autism that I need such copious amounts of blogging time, due to autism that it causes me such distress to have that time interrupted, and due to autism that once I get into a flow state it is difficult for me to stop.

Perhaps the reason why my anger exploded so severely yesterday is because I initially tried to suppress it. I reluctantly agreed to my dad’s request to leave after the Panthers’ 4th goal, pretending that it was okay with me, even though it wasn’t. I didn’t want to inconvenience him, I didn’t want to be high-maintenance, and I didn’t want to cause a conflict. It wasn’t until I got back to my house and shut the door behind me, that the anger exploded. Perhaps I should accept my needs as an autistic person, even if they seem unreasonable to others, rather than suppressing them. Using willpower and self-discipline, forcing myself to tolerate things that upset me, might work in the short term but are not long-term solutions. Acting as if you do not have the needs that you have, does not cause you to stop having those needs. It causes the needs to go chronically unmet. And that will eventually result in an explosion.

* When my dad and I discussed this today, he explained that for him, it’s not enjoyable to watch a game when his team has no chance of winning. He would rather watch a competitive game between two teams that he doesn’t care about. For me, although I prefer the Bruins to win, the score has no impact on whether or not I want to watch the game. The important part of watching the game, for me, is watching the athletes warm up, make their entrance, go out through the tunnel, etc. and watching the video montages and the interviews before and after the game. All of these things take place regardless of what the score of the game is. And all this is, of course, in addition to the blogging that I was counting on doing while watching the game.

** “Couldn’t you just finish the blog post at home?” you might be thinking. But unfortunately, the mere process of having to pack up my laptop, put my shoes and socks and jacket and hat on, get into the car, get out of the car, check my mail, unlock my door, and unpack my stuff again, is enough to shatter my concentration and ruin my blogging momentum. More often than not, once my momentum is brought to a screeching halt by the process of leaving, it is sufficiently late that it doesn’t make sense to start up again, and so my blogging time for the day is done. And also more often than not, the following morning is filled with various tasks, and then I have to go to work, and then I get home too late to start blogging, so I don’t end up having another opportunity to blog until my next day off.

*** There were also a couple of other things weighing on my mind that may have contributed to why I became so angry. Recently, I made the decision to completely quit socializing (as radical as that may sound) but was second-guessing that decision because I heard about an all-you-can-eat ice cream event that actually sounded like it could be fun to go to with a particular group of friends. Additionally, two people have asked me to do drawings, which is flattering and awesome, but cuts into blogging time, making the blogging time while watching TV even more crucial.

bookmark_borderConservatives’ inconsistency regarding pro-Palestine riots and BLM riots

Posted on by Marissa

I’ve recently seen a few social media posts / comments giving voice to something that’s been on my mind for a while, but which I’ve been having trouble articulating. 

“How come y’all did not support southern students during the riots of 2020? Why is YAF selective?” asked one comment on this Instagram post from YAF (Young America’s Foundation) showing a pro-Israel flag display at Columbia University.

Entrepreneur and activist Ian Smith made the same point more bluntly in a couple of posts. Here is one example: 

“For years, college campuses have been staging grounds for anti-White protests, demonstrations, and propaganda – even so far as being a part of the curriculum. No problem. One anti-Israel demonstration and the whole government and media mobilize against it and roll in the cops to clean it up. Interesting.”

“Anti-White? Free speech! Anti-Zionism? Hate speech! Conservatives. Explain!”

And here is another: 

“I’m seeing Fox, Newsmax, and most of Conservative social media cheer along watching cops tackle and arrest anti-Israel protestors. Same coping nerds who said, ‘oh they are being forced to do their jobs,’ when they were closing businesses and kneeling for anti-White BLM riots had White people ACTUALLY being attacked in the streets.”

I agree 100% with these sentiments. The inconsistency demonstrated by conservatives (including organizations like YAF, politicians, people on social media, and right-leaning media outlets) is disturbing and angering. 

These conservatives are speaking out so strongly in support of Israel… but they did not do the same for White people, Southern people, and Autistic people whose special interest is history, when we were being brutally attacked, condemned, hurt, harmed, and victimized.

What happened in the spring and summer of 2020 harmed us every bit as badly as the events since October 2023 have harmed Jewish people. And we continue to suffer the effects of what happened in 2020, and will for the entirety of our lives, because the statues and monuments that allow us to feel included, and that we need in order to have lives that are worth living, are still gone and will likely never be put back. 

It hurts to see people rallying to demonstrate their support for, and solidarity with, Israel and Jewish people, given that they did not do anything similar for us when we needed it. And given that we still need it, because our statues, monuments, flags, place names, and holidays are still either under attack (at best) or gone entirely. 

Why didn’t YAF (or anyone, for that matter) create a Confederate flag display to demonstrate support for White people, Southern people, and Autistic people, when we were under relentless attack? (We are still under relentless attack, so it’s not too late.)

In our society, anti-Israel protests are responded to forcefully by police and unequivocally condemned, while anti-White, anti-Southern, and anti-Autistic riots are considered completely fine and allowed to happen with impunity (at best) or praised as moral and honorable (at worst).

Even among conservatives, the condemnation of the current protests, and the demonstrations of solidarity with their victims, are noticeably stronger than they were in 2020, when people like me were targeted by violent protests. 

This inconsistency hurts. 

My message to conservative organizations, politicians, individuals, and media is as follows: 

I have been hurt. I have been harmed. I have been victimized. I am still hurting, and still suffering, every bit as much as Jewish people are hurting and suffering due to the conflict between Israel and Palestine. I deserve your support and solidarity just as much as Jewish people do.  

bookmark_border160 years later and people saying “we won” and “you lost”

Posted on by Marissa

I came across the following comment on this Facebook post from Road to the Civil War, featuring a photo of Robert E. Lee and discussing why he wore three stars on his collar. I found this comment to be a refreshing dose of sanity and reasonableness, so I am reproducing it below:

160 years later and people saying “we won” and “you lost”. None of you won or lost anything. You weren’t there. You can’t even imagine life without a cell phone, internet and fast food. Much less not having electricity, cars or even simple medications like antibiotics. It was a different time and those were different people. The big problem in this country today isn’t a North and South issue. This country is divided now on everything from race to party politics. More than it was back then. People hating on each other in real time on social media. Y’all be liking the same foods, music and football team and then want to kill each other over some fruit loop political ideologies. And then pointing your finger at some guy from 160 years ago critiquing his mindset. Like they’re living in this messed up moronic world you call your home today. Look closely into a mirror. Real close. See all those imperfections? They’re not just on the outside.

Thank you to Billy for this thoughtful comment.

bookmark_borderUnder Biden, American leadership stands for, not against, tyranny and oppression

Posted on by Marissa

On April 24, President Biden signed a massive foreign aid package including $61 billion to help Ukraine and $26 billion to help Israel. In addition to the fact that spending billions of dollars of tax money to interfere in conflicts between other countries is immoral and unfair (both to the countries that the US is siding against and to taxpayers), I was struck by the hypocrisy of the following comment that Biden made.

Biden said: “Congress has passed my legislation to strengthen our national security and send a message to the world about the power of American leadership: we stand resolutely for democracy and freedom, and against tyranny and oppression.”

How can Biden say that he stands for freedom, and against tyranny and oppression, when he has actively worked to take away the freedoms of Americans, and to impose tyranny and oppression in his own country?

There is no freedom more important than the freedom to decline medical intervention, and there is nothing more antithetical to the idea of freedom than requiring people to undergo a medical procedure. Yet that is exactly what Biden did with his executive order forcing all people at companies with 100 or more employees to submit to either the covid vaccine or weekly covid testing. It is ridiculous for the person who implemented this policy to claim that he stands for freedom. And it is preposterous for Biden to purport to oppose tyranny and oppression when he has actively worked to impose these very things on his own people.

Any person who supports vaccine mandates has no business giving lip service to freedom, full stop.

(An identical argument could also be made regarding Biden’s position on gun rights, among other issues.)

It’s also worth noting that Biden, like so many people in today’s society, makes the mistake of mentioning democracy and freedom together as if they are basically the same thing. Sen. Chuck Schumer did the same when he said: “Today the Senate sends a unified message to the entire world: America will always defend democracy in its hour of need.” But in reality, democracy has nothing to do with freedom. Democracy is a system of government in which the majority is able to violate the rights of unpopular minorities, which makes it closer to being the opposite of freedom than a synonym for it. Democracy belongs in the same category as tyranny and oppression more than it belongs in the same category as freedom. 

Thanks to Biden and his administration, American leadership does not stand for freedom, let alone resolutely, nor does American leadership stand against tyranny or oppression. The exact opposite (with one exception) of what Biden said is unfortunately the case. Under the Biden administration, American leadership stands resolutely for democracy, tyranny, and oppression, and against freedom. 

Sad but true.